Baltimore Bumper Sticker, $5 and most of it goes to charity. . . No, really.

A waitress at a diner saw my bumper sticker and asked what it meant: “Baltimore, You Have No Idea.” I told her it was the title of my play, but that it could mean a lot of things. I’ve heard the expression in so many forms and used in so many contexts that it’s impossible to be specific. It means what you want it to mean.

Some people utter the phrase to declare exclusive knowledge of something: “You have no idea how bad that place smelled.”

Some people use it to express an unexpected fondness for something: “I had no idea how much I would love that job.”

Some people employ it as a classic kiss-off:

“Excuse me, do you know which bus goes to Mondawmin?”                 “I have no idea!”

I think of it in the context of Baltimore’s reputation near and far:

Baltimore, you have no idea how bad it is here.

Or, you’ve heard so much about drugs and criminal violence, you have no idea how good a place it is.

You have no idea how friendly the people are, how kooky and quirky they can be.

You have no idea how depressing it gets around here.

You have no idea how cool, charming and surprising the city is.

Baltimore, you have no idea how great you are.

In 1975, National Geographic magazine ran a 27-page feature on Baltimore. I remember distinctly how the writer, Fred Kline, described the gap between public perception of Baltimore as a tough, old blue-collar city and the reality of a northern city with southern charm and a bigger embrace of culture and cultures than any snobs passing through might expect. 

“An undiscovered city, prejudged by motorists passing its industrial outskirts at 50 miles an hour,” Kline wrote. “But now I’ve been to Baltimore and what surprises greeted me! Having wandered her neighborhoods and met her people, having been touched by the doughty spirit of the city, I know that what I first saw was just a tattered overcoat — only one aspect of a city whose singular character, charm, and yes, even beauty, have made those early impressions fade like a mirage.”

Obviously, Our City of Perpetual Recovery has problems. I’ve described them in my column hundreds of times. I talk about them in my play, “Baltimore, You Have No Idea.”

You have no idea what a mixed bag of bad and good, old and new, rich and poor, foolish and brilliant this city is.

You have no idea how resilient Baltimoreans are, and how much pride they take in being the underdog.

Way back when, before I really became invested and learned more about the city, I had no idea I’d stay here for 48 years and make it my home. But here I am.

ORDER HERE: The bumper stickers sell for $5 and we’re giving all the proceeds — about $3 — to Baltimore charities.